Recently a friend, half in jest, half in seriousness, told me that I am such a Who fanboy that any product that the BBC slapped a Doctor Who logo on I would buy. Now, I could not let such a challenge to my finely developed sensibilities stand, so in response I present the following article, entitled “5 Doctor Who products I would never, ever buy.”

5. Doctor Who Experience Shop Exclusive: Amelia Pond…in coat

Who is the target market for this figure? Are small children clamoring for young Amy Pond in an overcoat and pajamas? Are the Brits marching in the street demanding more suitcase accessories? One of the lamest figures to come out of the new Who line, this figure fails in more ways than I can list. Here is the list:

1. It’s the variant: This figure is the variant version of Amelia. The difference? It comes with her in the coat. That’s it. I love me a cool variant figure, but throwing a plastic coat on a character and calling it “special” just because you don’t make many is far from exciting. And a coat is, to be honest, far from an awesome addition. Speaking of which…

2. The plastic coat: Quick, imagine young Amelia waiting for the Doctor. What are you picturing? I’ll bet it’s the young Pond sitting on her suitcase. But guess what? Should you wish to replicate this iconic image you’re out of luck. The plastic overcoat is not only lame, but would totally prohibit the bending motion you would need out of the legs just to get her in that pose. Ultimately though this is a non issue for me, because as an American it’s almost impossible to get this figure, you see…

3. It’s the exclusive: This figure can only be purchased at the Doctor Who Experience. You’d literally have to travel to England to one place where they have what I’m sure is a cool Doctor Who display and then fight through rabid crowds of coat aficionados just to shell out 10 pounds to get it. Of course there is always eBay…

4. EBay wants 50 bucks for it! Seriously, 50 bucks for this figure that is only special because they didn’t make many. If they made a million no one would want it. It would hang there on the rack next to some Colin Baker variant and a neon colored Batman until the store gave up and tossed them in a dollar bin. Nuff said.

4. Doctor Who Chess Set

I really like chess. I have affection for the game that goes back to the 5th grade when I first learned how to play, and as such I own several sets of my own. When I heard there was a Doctor Who chess set coming out I got very of excited. I couldn’t wait to see the figures re-imagined as chess pieces. Maybe a little Doctor with a fez for a Crown, or a River Song as the queen, dressed as Cleopatra. And of course, I thought the Daleks would make the perfect pawns.

Instead, we get this lame piece of plastic. Two sets of identical plastic squares, with little images that appear to be just random screen grabs dropped inside. No cool new sculpts or tiny Dalek pawns to keep out on display. The pawns are Jadoons and the Queen is Amy. This set looks cheap and homemade, and yet it retails for close to $40.00 bucks. So lame!

Why couldn’t this be figure sculpts in pewter or even plastic? The Tardis is already a rectangle! Even if they were Vacu-form models they would still look better than this set up. I guess they figured that if you just slap the Who logo on something people will buy it. Speaking of which…

3. Doctor Who Retro coaster set:

My annoyance with this little item comes not from the product itself, but instead from the over used image printed on it. How overused?

I know that Who fans are a ravenous bunch, and will pick up a whole bunch of anything with the Doctor on it, but come on! They made 1 cool retro image of the 4th Doctor and just started slapping it on everything. Need to sell some bath bags? Slap on Baker! Got some lame key chains to move? Slap on Baker! Want to encourage drinking among young fans of the show? Slap on Baker! It’s overkill, and it’s stupid. Stop insulting our intelligence as fans by thinking we’ll buy anything you slap a sticker on, and we’ll reward your creativity by purchasing the cool, original products you make. Trust me on this one, we really will.

Sigh, if only it didn’t get worse…

2. Doctor Who 10th Doctor Wave 2 Destroyed Cassandra

Seriously?! The only thing I can imagine happened here was that they accidentally made up a bunch of regular Cassandra figures and somehow forgot to insert Cassandra. Rather than just go get some more, one of those geniuses probably figured “Gee, I’ll just slap a different name on the pack, call it a variant, and get people to shell out cash for an already lame toy that is now missing a piece.”

Although I will admit it does make me snicker a little in evil glee to imagine some last minute parent frantically grabbing this toy at an English Petrol station to try to win a child’s affection, only to have the child respond with confusion and anger when they realized what they got, it still does not make up for how dumb this is. It’s literally like they are daring you to buy the worst toy ever. It’s so lame they don’t even have a picture of destroyed Cassandra on the pack!

Maybe I’m being too harsh though. It’s not like they’ve reached the point where they’ll just throw random pieces in a bag and call it a toy. What’s that? Oh, they have. Never mind…

1. Doctor Who “The Flesh” Goo Pod

I do not know where to begin with this one. I guess it really breaks down into 3 parts. The package, the “flesh” and the body parts.

1. The Package: This package is just lame. It’s a half-hearted Tardis mold with stickers on it. I’m sure that the goo is not going to be great on the sticker’s adhesive qualities, and it will probably start peeling off the first time some kid spills goo over the side. Then you’re left with a weird blue box which, let’s be honest, probably smells terrible.

2. The Goo: It’s white, so it will probably turn grey by about the third time you handle it. And if I was being generous I’d say it looked like a melted Adipose. If I wasn’t being generous I’d say it look like something else far less savory.

I’ll admit I was never a big fan of goo toys growing up. I was never really sure
what you did with them. Do you pour it on other figures? Won’t it damage or stain them? Do you throw it people? Do you just touch it and make gagging noises? What do you do with it? This goo was supposed to mimic other forms, not just splash around, so how do you tie in your play of it with the actual show? And on top of it all, how do you take it out and put it back in the box without just getting it everywhere?

3. The Parts: This is so stupid. Rather than give you all the same parts, there is a random parts assortment in each tub. So if for some reason you want a bunch or random, melted parts, you’ll have to pick up a bunch of these just to get them.

And once you do get this, what do you do with it? Do you display the goo? Something tells me it would just dry out. Do you keep the pieces on a shelf? They’re kind of odd by themselves. Do you just keep the whole thing on a shelf? Again, lame package. This whole thing is just plain odd, and really dumb.

So there you go, 5 Who produces I do not have, and do not want. But now that I’ve shown their flaws I’m sure no one will ever market another dumb Who product again. Right?

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