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It’s been a while, but we once again head into the dank and mysterious underworld filled with little plastic men and spring launching projectiles. It’s time for another… TALES FROM THE TOY AISLE!


My local Toys R Us is still filled to the brim with leftover Kung-Zhu, so let’s skip on over to Target instead, shall we?


First up is the new Stealth Strike Batman from the Batman Brave & The Bold line. I’d love to tell you my thoughts on this figure and the several other new guys in the line, but I’m not part of the kids whom it is aimed at, so I won’t!


Instead let’s talk Squinkies! Man these things are everywhere! This is the Marvel Squinkies set, but they make all sorts of them.


I bet Stan Lee made up all of these characters!


Kids seem to love them and who can blame them? Just look at this adorable little Ben Grimm. Keep reading for more wacky toys, including ones with glowing hearts!


But first, CARS 2 Squinkies. I assume these will become like the MUSCLE for kids of this generation. Not the CARS ones specifically, just the concept in general.


Squinkies aren’t just licensed, there are generic ones too. Which I approve of!


And of course if it’s a hit, there must be imitators. Including Hasbro’s own Star Wars ripoff Squinkies. These aren’t official Squinkies, but are more or less the same thing. They sell a bite sized Porkins in these!


You have to love anything that has a bite size Porkins!


Savage Opress? More like Yellow Maul! That’s cool though. He looks really neat and I dig a lot of these Clone Wars toys. I would totally pick up a purple Maul. Get on it George Lucas! You can call him Nefarious Ned!


And aren’t these guys just so cuddly?! Vader, you’re so cute I just wanna pinch your cheeks!


And look, it’s the Star Wars character you’ve always wanted! First time in the line! Turdface Johnson! I bet he’s totally a pivotal part of the saga… But you’ll buy him anyway, even if he’s not.


Or you can buy one of these Star Wars General Grievous electronic helmets! Sound just like the man himself. And by man, I mean alien robot thing. Space tuberkulosis sold separately!


Elsewhere, nobody is buying these crappy GI Joe Renegades figures. Imagine that. Nobody wants toys from a horrible cartoon!


Marvel is fully stocked, including the new Legends… But the idiots at Target clearly don’t understand that Marvel Legends in a new SKU. Instead they randomly mixed them in with Marvel Universe comic packs. Ugh.


Mattel’s not doing such a good job keeping their WWE figures in stock. Seriously, every Target in town looks like this. Aside from a few Randy Ortons, which nobody buys, there is nothing on the racks. Not a single WWE basic figure to be found. What’s up with that?!

But enough of this nonsense, it’s on to the main event…


It’s a heartlight John Cena!


Just when you think the Flex Force line can’t get any dumber, they add lights to their chests and butts! And yet somehow, Mattel can’t find a way to get Andre The Giant into stores?!


Apparently this Flex Force stuff sells well… But I have my doubts. I’ve never seen anyone buy a single Flex Force figure. It’s always clogging the pegs in my local stores, but Mattel says it’s a top seller. I’m sure now that E.T. has touched the line, it’ll sell like gangbusters.

That’s it for this time, but beware that just around the corner, lurking in the darkest corners of the department store with glowing chests and electric biceps, it’s TALES FROM THE TOY AISLE!

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6 Responses to Tales From The Toy Aisle: Turn On Your Heartlight!

  • Mario says:

    Nefarious Ned… Dope.

  • oansun says:

    we still haven't got regular Iron Man here, only stupid blues. It was so bad that good ol' Richard picked one up and just threw it down in disgust.

  • I have one of those stupid blues. I dunno why I bought it. I want to get rid of it, lol.

  • Indeed he would be!

  • Zach S. says:

    If Squinkies are the new MUSCLE, I feel bad for the current generation.

    And those Flexforce figures are so ridiculously dumb. They probably cost a lot more as far as engineering and parts go, so why would Mattel keep making them? They clog pegs everywhere and look like crap. Action features were never, ever cool. Wrestlers punch and throw each other?? No way!! Thankfully we have toys that can do that for kids, since they clearly don't have enough imagination to figure it out. Oh, and I've never once seen John Cena's chest light up on TV. Maybe I missed that episode…

  • Haha well Squinkies is the first thing I've seen that's close to a modern successor. I guess. They seem popular!