Hi. I’m Jeremy. And I have eaten many stupid things because there were pictures of cartoons on their boxes.

I have also owned this empty cookie box for 21 years.

Here is a short list:

*Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cereal (Came with a sweet bowl I ate out of FOR YEARS)
*Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cookies (The shape of a cookie determines its deliciousness)
*Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Vanilla Pies (Vanilla is green)
*Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Ice Cream (Shaped like Michealangelo’s head!)
*Super Mario Bros. Fruit Snacks (Luigi tastes better than Mario it turns out)
*Nintendo Cereal (Nin. Ten. Do. SUPER MARIO! Nin. Ten. Do! ZELDA!)
*Bugs Bunny Ice Cream (Shaped like Bugs Bunny’s head)
*Bill & Ted’s Excellent Cereal (Came with a plastic audio casette holder shaped like a phone booth)

I spend my summer days looking for fucking cartoon ice cream.

I learned last April or May that they were still making Ninja Turtles ice cream when I discovered a guy who couldn’t speak English selling them out of a filthy cart in a public park. The graphics on the wrapper have been updated to look like the Turtles from the 4Kids cartoon, but it’s the same tasty Michaelangelo head inside with the horrible gumball eyes.

This is exactly as bad/good as Ninja Turtles ice cream.

Have you ever experienced the delicious sensation of eating a gumball and feeling it turn to dust in your mouth? No? Well, I recommend you try it because it’s exactly like giving a mummy head.

I spent all summer trying to find another fucking guy pushing a filthy cart that would give me more Ninja Turtles ice cream! But I didn’t find one! Why?! Finally, when I had given up, my girlfriend calmly walked me to HER ice cream dealer and he hooked me up with sweet Michaelangelo-headed goodness. Guess what time of year that was? December. I ate the ice cream anyway.

Now enjoy these order forms that expired 20 years ago.

Dear Raphael, what exactly is the force? Are you into Star Wars? I figured if any Ninja Turtle was into Star Wars, it would be Michaelangelo.

I leave you with two questions:

1) What fucking flavor is this ice cream? It is sort of sweet, but not like chocolate and not like vanilla, and not like fruit. It doesn’t taste like brown sugar or cane sugar or corn syrup or Skittles or anything. What the fuck is it?

2) Why are we encouraged to INGEST our heroes? Is this some kind of ancient cannibalistic, “If you eat your enemy, you will absorb his energy!” thinking? I assure you that devouring Michaelangelo’s manically grinning face did not teach me ANYTHING about using nanchaku.

I demand an explanation!



7 Responses to Stupid Things I Have Eaten In The Name of Cartoons

  • I've always thought it was strange that the Ninja Turtle ice cream is the exact same as it was 20 years ago when the Turtles first made it big. I mean, the exact same. Did they have a ton of it leftover and just rolled it back out when 2K3 hit?

    Those ice creams all taste alike. I used to love the Mario Brothers one. However, that Bugs Bunny one is freaky. It looks more like the guy from that Donnie Darko movie than Bugs.

    What about Ecto-Cooler?You ever drink some of that? I know I did. What was the premise there? That Slimer's body was tasty? Was it his body or a bodily fluid? Kinda gross to think about… But sooo tasty.

    In fact I bought some Hi-C just this week and wished that they still had Ecto-Cooler. Instead I ended up with some sort of blueberry and it doesn't taste nearly as good.

  • I'm replying to myself here, but I also have the Bill & Ted Cereal tape case. I don't know why. I never cared much for that cartoon, but I bought the cereal that had the case. I still have it! I've lost so much of the cool stuff from my childhood, but I still have that thing! Crazy.

  • Anne Packrat says:

    Those TMNT vanilla pies were gooooooood…..

  • Jeremy says:

    I wanted to put Ecto Cooler on the list along with Ninja Turtles juiceboxes (they had Archie TMNT cover are reprinted on them), but the topic was FOOD, not drinks!

  • compyrex says:

    Oh my, I love those cartoon ice cream.

  • PrfktTear says:

    The Teenage Mutant NInja Turtle Pies are in fact the most delicious thing ever. I would build a time machine just to go back and sample a delicious green, oozy vanilla nerdgasm.

    Also: Batman, the cereal, while having the texture of broken glass was also good, however if I had to chose a nostalgic cereal, I would want Nintendo Power cereal.

  • Susan says:

    I Lived for Ecto Cooler! But sadly they had it under Tangergreen for a while and now it's just no more. Maybe they shall bring it back if Ghostbusters 3 comes out

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