Hi. I’m Jeremy. And I have eaten many stupid things because there were pictures of cartoons on their boxes.
I have also owned this empty cookie box for 21 years.
Here is a short list:
*Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cereal (Came with a sweet bowl I ate out of FOR YEARS)
*Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cookies (The shape of a cookie determines its deliciousness)
*Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Vanilla Pies (Vanilla is green)
*Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Ice Cream (Shaped like Michealangelo’s head!)
*Super Mario Bros. Fruit Snacks (Luigi tastes better than Mario it turns out)
*Nintendo Cereal (Nin. Ten. Do. SUPER MARIO! Nin. Ten. Do! ZELDA!)
*Bugs Bunny Ice Cream (Shaped like Bugs Bunny’s head)
*Bill & Ted’s Excellent Cereal (Came with a plastic audio casette holder shaped like a phone booth)
I spend my summer days looking for fucking cartoon ice cream.
I learned last April or May that they were still making Ninja Turtles ice cream when I discovered a guy who couldn’t speak English selling them out of a filthy cart in a public park. The graphics on the wrapper have been updated to look like the Turtles from the 4Kids cartoon, but it’s the same tasty Michaelangelo head inside with the horrible gumball eyes.
This is exactly as bad/good as Ninja Turtles ice cream.
Have you ever experienced the delicious sensation of eating a gumball and feeling it turn to dust in your mouth? No? Well, I recommend you try it because it’s exactly like giving a mummy head.
I spent all summer trying to find another fucking guy pushing a filthy cart that would give me more Ninja Turtles ice cream! But I didn’t find one! Why?! Finally, when I had given up, my girlfriend calmly walked me to HER ice cream dealer and he hooked me up with sweet Michaelangelo-headed goodness. Guess what time of year that was? December. I ate the ice cream anyway.
Now enjoy these order forms that expired 20 years ago.
Dear Raphael, what exactly is the force? Are you into Star Wars? I figured if any Ninja Turtle was into Star Wars, it would be Michaelangelo.
I leave you with two questions:
1) What fucking flavor is this ice cream? It is sort of sweet, but not like chocolate and not like vanilla, and not like fruit. It doesn’t taste like brown sugar or cane sugar or corn syrup or Skittles or anything. What the fuck is it?
2) Why are we encouraged to INGEST our heroes? Is this some kind of ancient cannibalistic, “If you eat your enemy, you will absorb his energy!” thinking? I assure you that devouring Michaelangelo’s manically grinning face did not teach me ANYTHING about using nanchaku.
I demand an explanation!