As a child, whenever someone asked me what I was going to do when I grew up, I never imagined that answer would be “review Pop Tarts and toys” but yet here we are. Actually I never ate “real” Pop Tarts as a kid. In fact, I still don’t. Back then it was because my family was poorer than I realized at the time and saving 56¢ on some toaster pastries just made fiscal sense. These days I don’t eat official Kellogg’s Pop Tarts because they just don’t have enough value for their cost. The generic Pop Tarts are thicker, have more filling and although less polished just have more meat on their bones. That is to say, I like my Pop Tarts to be less Kate Moss and more Kelly Brook…
The only problem with the off brand Pop Tarts is that they never come up with cool flavors. Sure they have all the standards like cherry and strawberry, but you have to go to the house of Tony the Tiger to get the wacky stuff. Which brings us to today’s review… Someone has let a maniac loose at the toaster pastry factory and these Pop Tarts have “Gone Nutty”! Although I’m not a huge fan of chocolate or peanut butter, I’m well aware that the two go good together. This interesting taste combination lured me in to do something I swore a sacred vow to never do again, purchase some official Pop Tarts from Kellogg’s.
Right from the beginning, you can tell this is going to be something special. The box features an embossed Pop Tart on the package and inside instead of the traditional silver wrapper, we get gold! That’s right boys and girls, we’re livin’ the lifestyle of the rich and famous! Champagne wishes and Pop Tart dreams!
The presentation does suffer a bit in the pastry itself. It looks a bit like the bathroom stalls I’ve seen at several truck stops. Yes, it looks like someone has smeared it with poop. On the plus side, it doesn’t have any racist or homophobic graffiti on it, so there’s that!
It has a soft, sort of velvety texture to it. Of course, it’s wafer thin, as are all “official” Pop Tarts. Thankfully this works in this particular flavor combination, because there isn’t too much peanut butter. A little peanut butter can go a long way.
When eating this, you don’t have that sticky peanut butter on the roof of your mouth feeling. Thankfully it also doesn’t have the chocolate flavor of regular Pop Tarts. If you’ve ever eaten a regular chocolate Pop Tart, you know that they are pretty terrible. At least, I’ve always thought so. This flavor is better.
The color of the pastry is the same as the Justice League Lex Luthor figure from Mattel. He’s got a real George Hamilton thing going on and so does this Pop Tart. I haven’t toasted this, so I don’t know if that enhances the flavor or not. I don’t cook my Pop Tarts, that’s for rich people and it’s just weird. Pop Tarts were meant to be eaten straight out of the box! If you eat your Pop Tarts another way, you’re doing it wrong. Consider this like the Pop Tart instruction manual.
That’s it. I’ve written 500 words about the new flavor of Pop Tarts. I’ve compared them to women, social stratification, toy skin tones and disgusting restrooms. My work here is done. You’re welcome. I hope this makes my parents proud, because this is my legacy.