Well March’s poll is over and the results are in. I don’t know if people voted for the lolz or if they really felt this battle would go this way, but in the question of who would win in a fight, He-Man, Pac-Man or the Fans, the people have said Pac-Man! Pac-Man won with 44% of the vote, with He-Man coming in a distant second with 30%. Pac-Man pretty much always led the vote, but the third option which was that the Fans would be the true winners, finished with 26% of the vote and was in second place for quite some time. No doubt the fans would definitely enjoy such an epic battle.

Since the fans have spoken, here’s my play-by-play of the action, if this battle actually ever did occur…

[It’s a beautiful day here in Scottsdale, Arizona, as the fans are still filing into the arena for this big fight. Referee Rudy Charles is in the ring as the crowd awaits the confrontation that they’ve been dreaming of. There is no doubt this is a dream match. We send it to Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby “The Brain” Heenan in the studio.]


Gorilla Monsoon: This is the one the fans have been waiting for. You can cut the electricity with a knife. What do you think of this one, Brain?

Bobby “The Brain” Heenan: I think I should have sit a little further down wind from you Monsoon, now I know why they call you Gorilla!

Gorilla Monsoon: Oh enough already. We’re here to call the action.

Bobby “The Brain” Heenan: I got carried away.

Gorilla Monsoon: I wish you would.

[Nazareth’s Hair of the Dog hits over the PA system and here comes Pac-Man!]

Heart breaker, soul shaker
I’ve been told about you
Steamroller, midnight stroller
What they’ve been sayin’ must be true

Red hot mama
Long-legged charmer
Time’s come to pay your dues

Now you’re messin’ with a
A son of a bitch
Now you’re messin’ with a son of a bitch
Now you’re messin’ with a
A son of a bitch
Now you’re messin’ with a son of a bitch


[Pac-Man comes to the ring, wakka-wakka-wakka and he’s accompanied as always by his valet, the first lady of video games, the lovely Ms. Pac-Man. The crowd cheers Pac-Man on as he jukes and jives in the ring. The crowd is giving him a pretty good cheer, but there is a ghostly section that don’t seem to approve.]

Gorilla Monsoon: This guy is like a condominium with legs.

Bobby “The Brain” Heenan: Pac-Man’s like a broken drum: hard to beat!

Gorilla Monsoon: And now here comes his opponent, straight from Matty Collector…

[Josh Groban’s “You Raise Me Up” hits as the Master of the Universe, He-Man, makes his way to the ring. He’s accompanied by his good friend and “advisor” Duncan, the Man-at-Arms. Several young ladies in the crowd are swooning and so is a certain Trollan. Duncan oils He-Man up and gives him some last minute advice before the bell.]


Gorilla Monsoon: This is the match-up to see what happens when the irresistible force meets an immovable object.

Bobby “The Brain” Heenan: Kind of like you at the buffet table this morning!

Gorilla Monsoon: All I know is that Pac-a-mania is running wild!

Bobby “The Brain” Heenan: Pac-Man Fever is an epidemic!

[Referee Rudy Charles goes over the rules as both men come to the center of the ring. There’s the bell! Ding, Ding, Ding! Collar and elbow tie-up by He-Man and Pac-Man. Pac-Man backs He-Man into the ropes, but He-Man powers out and sends him across the ring with an Irish whip. He-Man with the Eternian Lariat! He used his built-in twist and punch feature. Pac-Man is down. He-Man now posing to the crowd.]

Bobby “The Brain” Heenan: This guy is overconfident.

Gorilla Monsoon: If you beat Skeletor up as much as He-Man, you’d be overconfident too.

Bobby “The Brain” Heenan: And where’s Prince Adam? He was supposed to be here to watch this!

[He-Man has Pac-Man down and now is preparing to hit one of his most deadly moves, the Quality Control! That’s where any one of his limbs could explode into pieces and temporarily blind Pac-Man. But wait, Pac-Man was just thrown something from Ms. Pac-Man… Some sort of international object. It’s a pellet! He’s eating it! He’s going retro here. He-Man attempts to hit him, but Pac-Man is PACKING UP! The crowd is going crazy as the Pacster starts to shake. He-Man attempts another punch, but it’s blocked by Pac-Man. Pac-Man with a right hand of his own. Then another. He sends He-Man into the ropes and He-Man is turning blue (Faker?) no that’s just what happens when Pac-Man eats a power pellet. Pac-Man eats He-Man! Then spits him back out and hits the leg drop! The roof is about to blow off this place. Pac-Man with the cover, …1, …2, ….3!]

Gorilla Monsoon: PAC ATTACK! PAC ATTACK! Pac-Man just won!

Bobby “The Brain” Heenan: This is the stupidest thing this website has ever done and that’s saying a lot!

Gorilla Monsoon: Hiring you? I couldn’t agree more!

[Pac-Man does a series of poses as the crowd cheers. Ms. Pac-Man gets into the ring and kisses her man. But oh no, it’s a run-in from the gWo, the Ghost World Order! There’s Inky, Pinky, Blinky and Clyde! They’re assaulting Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man, but here comes Rio-Blast and Man-E-Faces to clear the ring. They help Pac-Man and He-Man up and they SHAKE HANDS! What sportsmanship! We just saw history right here.]

Thanks for reading and be sure to vote in this month’s poll! And leave a comment if you want to see a rematch!

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