It seems like every 80’s depiction of a Halloween party in movies or television, features a bunch of bowls of “gross out” food like grapes or olives as eyeballs, spaghetti as brains and other such nonsense. Although I’ve always lived up the Halloween spirit, I’ve never been to a party with such festivities. I’ve been to some Halloween parties with some stuff, but never the stuff I always saw on TV.

The folks at Target are seeking to eliminate the need for making your own gross out candy, by selling items like today’s topic, Eyeball Gumballs. Hermetically sealed in a mayonnaise jar from under Funk and Wagnall’s porch is this batch of eye shaped gum. It looks pretty cool with a neat little logo on the front. It’s like right out of a witch’s cabinet!

According to the back of the package, these are made exclusively by Target. It even gives a phone number to Target and tells you to ask for guest services. “Yeah, I’m callin’ about the eyeball I just ate!” Anyway, it also warns that this product may contain milk. What?

Some Chinese fartknocker who packaged mine put six eyeballs in a row. Essentially, the six eyeballs are too big and form an impenetrable shield. It’s impossible to get one out without breaking it. It can’t budge. So I’m going to have to bludgeon my eyes to get anymore out.

Thankfully there was one loose one on top. I just recently broke a filling off my tooth (unrelated to all this Halloween junk food I promise), so I really shouldn’t be chewing gum, but for you my faithful readers I’ll endure. It tastes just like bubblegum machine gum. It’s kept it’s flavor for a fair amount of time, which is good.

Each of the eyes have a certain level of blood shot. Some are barely bloodshot at all. Others are covered in it. The pupil is actually a little skull. It looks pretty neat. All in all, these are a fine little treat for your Halloween party… But don’t just randomly give them to the neighborhood kids because someone will think you’ve poisoned the candy. I guess somebody did that one time and ruined it for the rest of us until the end of time.

Leave a Reply