Released by: The Asylum
Staring Lorenzo Lamas, Deborah Gibson
Director: Jack Perez
Once in a lifetime, a film comes along that, despite all odds, becomes an honored and revered classic. And if science could manage to capture that essence in a bottle, and distill it into a pure essence of fantastic-ness, and then produce its total opposite, you would get this film. Yes ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to review Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.
“Listen, screw these environmentalists. When I give the order shoot to kill!”
The Plot: Secret government testing of a secret sonar something breaks the ice open in Alaska, releasing Mega Shark and Giant Octopus, who have been frozen in combat millions of years, and now are free to cause havoc in the Atlantic ocean. The Octopus attacks Japan, while the Shark attacks naval ships, bridges, and basically anything else in its way (or not in its way, such as planes at cloud deck level) . Guns don’t stop them. Bullets don’t stop them. And plot holes certainly don’t stop them.
The solution? These guys…
Yep, Debbie Gibson, Reno Raines, and William Wallace’s father.
Oh, and Vic Chao, or as he was known in his younger days MC Yellowfin (god, I wish that was a joke).
This crack team spends days looking at pictures and mixing colored water together only to discover that apparently just mixing colored water together in test tubes offers no solutions on how to stop a shark that can do this:
As if America’s infrastructure wasn’t under enough pressure already.
Eventually, however, the team hits upon an amazing plan. They will use pheromones to lure Megashark into the San Francisco bay and capture him (how, exactly they plan to do this is not really explained. Something involving underwater shelves and bombs, I think.) As the pic above shows, things do not go according to plans, and a new plan must be hatched.
To think, we mixed all that water for nothing.
Finally a new plan is developed. They will lure these two ancient enemies together with more pheromones, and make them fight to the death. And after looking at the dvd cover, well, you can tell this one is going to be epic.
Try not to look directly at it. The epicness will blind you.
In the end these two creatures kill each other, teaching mankind a valuable lesson about the environment, or military power, or something ecological…I think.
Oh, and Debbie Gibson hooks up with MC Yellowfin.
Tell me the truth, am I better than Tiffany?
(ask your parents to explain that one kids)
Special Features: None, not a one. This is a Bluray release and there is absolutely nothing extra with it. No commentary, no making of, no anything. And for a Bluray there are not even any HD moments to enjoy. The effects are so lame that they actually look worse in HD then they would have in regular definition.
The Verdict: I know I normally do a ranking, but science has yet to discover a number low enough for me to rate this film. Instead, what I want to do is list the top 3 reasons for why this film should not be watched. I could come up with more than three, but I’m trying to keep things in perspective here.
#3 Bad science.
Anyone who has watched any science fiction film on the Syfy network knows that in most of these types of films you are bound to run into lazy science, or unbelievable science, and ever ridiculous science. This movie, however, is chocked full of just bad science. By that I mean that there are several points where things happen for supposedly science reasons, but no explanation is given. For example: After the first attacks the intrepid heroes head off to the lab to try to find a solution. What we get is a montage of them pouring different colored waters from unlabeled beakers into each other, only to sigh each time when the waters don’t make the right color. The problem with this is that it is never explained to the audience why they are mixing the waters. Are they trying to find a poison? A sedative? A shark repellant? We never learn.
If only they had consulted Batman, they could have saved so much time.
And if they are such amazing scientist then why are they just pouring liquids together and looking at the color. No microscope work here, just mix and sigh.
And they do this twice!
#2 What’s my motivation?
Why is a shark fighting an octopus? In the film they are described as ancient enemies trapped in an eternal struggle, but really, why? And this question really gets at the heart of the larger issues, why are these monsters attacking things in the first place? Considering the size of both creatures you would think the majority of their time would be spent on just finding enough foot to survive off of, but instead they are attacking oil rigs and bridges, and naval ships as well. As amazing as these creatures are, they are biological, and need to eat biological matter. Instead they eat planes and attack submarines.
Which might, of course, serve to explain why they died out…
#1 It’s not a cult classic.
Quick, think of a cult classic. If you were me you’d be thinking of something like Army of Darkness or Buckaroo Banzai, something that few people know about at first, and builds its reputation over time. Something which, years from now, people will still be sneaking around and talking about. A film that was underappreciated for its awesomeness. This is not that film
As far as I can tell, this film is loved by college kids who are more amused by its ridiculousness than anything else. A so-bad-its-good mentality. The problem is that this film goes all the way back around to so-bad-it-is-really-bad. This is not Army of Darkness, this is just plain bad.
Not even Ash could save this film.
In the end, it costs 5 bucks for a Bluray with cheesy special effects, terrible acting, ridiculous science, and plot holes the size of Kansas. I’d say skip it entirely, unless you really want to be confused for an hour and a half. Or unless you are really into sharks, like my fiancé’ is. Did I mention she bought it? As she said when she dropped it in the cart “I know it will be bad, but I like sharks.”
I used to too…