So a lot of times I come into work and find what few toys I have there looking like this:
“He’s just giving him a hug, Timmy. A big, upside-down hug.”
“Like Daddy gives Uncle Steve?”
“That man is NOT your uncle!”
Ahem. Well regardless of how YOU grew up, I think we can safely say that Sledge isn’t teaching Leadfoot how to do a piledriver here.
Now this happens with any toys I leave out on my desk. Sometimes it’s Nick Fury taking the Hershey Highway on Wink from Hellboy. Sometimes the M&M’s guys are double-teamin’ Gundam 00. One time I even came in and was just confused, with several toys all just kind of hanging out in odd position on my desk. I later found out that the Easter chick was the victim of a circle-jerk. Cute.
So I thought I’d do a little write-up on how to counteract these… I dunno what they are. Plastic hate crimes? Well, that and talk a little about my favorite scale of Transformer: The Scout class.
Keeping It PG
This one’s easy. Anybody with an IQ equivalent to a lemon can turn a harmless toy into Chloe Sevigny from Brown Bunny, but it takes at least a tiny bit of intelligence to figure out how to transform a Transformer. See, when I leave the guys like this…
…I end up with Zangief from Street Fighter eyeing my toys like Charlie Sheen eyes Sudafed and hookers. But all it takes is a little transformation and…
Voila! The picture on the left was taken the day before, the picture on the right the next afternoon. Grown men who aren’t accustomed to transforming robots as part of “the daily grind” have a real tough time figuring out these 5 and up playthings. I once left ROTF Skystalker on my desk and came in the next day to find some kind of hybrid Gerwalk-Phantom of the Opera kind of deal. It wasn’t pretty, but he was never again the Marsellus Wallace to Snake Eyes’ Zedd.
Gosh. Pushy much?
Yeah, now I wanna talk about what makes them great desk toys. Alright? Is that cool? Geez.
Point No. 1: Size
These guys are tiny, usually coming in at around 4 to 4.5 inches, so they’re just about the perfect size for a desk.
Whereas a Deluxe (about 6” for you uninitiated weirdoes) is probably too large and will get in your way and a Legends (about 3”) could get lost or bore you with too simplistic of a transformation, a Scout class is just about the right size to keep you interested and still maintain playability.
Plus, some dick ran off with my WST Grimlock while I was on vacation and I still get a sandy butthole just thinking about it.
Anyhoo, back to the topic at hand. These guys are just small enough to play hide and seek on your desk, hanging out on your phallically oversized PC speakers or chilling on top of your huge overhead that you need to hold all your badass awards like your Halo 3 company championship trophy because you “brought it” game day and shook the pillars of heaven with your totally 1337 skillz in double-elimination.
And you say, “But Wes, it was for Relay for Life right? The cancer benefit?”
And to that I say, “Yeah, sure…probably.”
Point No. 2: Articulation
These guys are super-fun to pose.
Ever since Transformers Cybertron Hasbro’s been kicking it over the homeplate or somesuch sports euphemism that I don’t get because I played Mario as a kid instead of learning sportsball facts. Just about every scout figure has the equivalent of a ball-joint in its shoulders, elbows, hips and knees. Often it sports ‘em in the neck and ankles, too, but remember: The more poseable, the more likely they are to go Linda Lovelace while you’re at home.
They’re not going to hold incredible complex poses, but a lot of times if you have 2 you can play their weight off each other to balance them out and get some cool poses. But as always…
Two men enter, one man leaves!
Keep It Real
While these guys in particular are Power Core Combiners, they’re about what you expect from most Scout class figures these days in terms of height and complexity. I got em for 7 bucks apiece on clearance at Woldemort, and your average scout nowadays runs about 7.99 or 8.99 depending on which corporate chain you decided to bow and sell your soul to.
Transformers Scout class figures are fairly reasonable for the price and cool enough to warrant a space on your limited toy canvas at work. Just remember to transform them into cars when you leave for the night or you’re all but asking someone to try to do a shot by shot remake of “She Cried No” in your absence.
This has been Desk Friendly by Wesitron. Holla!