Today I was all geared up to do my Cobra Commander review when I heard a knock at the door. When I opened the front door, imagine my surprise when I saw who was standing there. To be fair, I knew my GI Joe week was getting some attention, but I never would have imagined the attention I was about to recieve.

That’s right people, Cobra Commander was at the door and boy is he pissed. Apparently Hasbro has blocked him from attending any of the movie functions this weekend, not even the big premier, so he had plenty to get off his chest. Since I still have a review to get to, I hope you don’t mind if Cobra Commander helps us review his new action figure. I’ll be in the normal font color and Cobra Commander will be in blue.

Cobra Commander, is there anything you’d like to say to get us started?


That’s it?

Hey, suck it fanboy and get on with this review.

I’ve said before that these new packages really offer a lot of interesting appeal. The artwork on the front really looks a lot like Cobra Commander…

Excusssse me?

Well the artwork on the front, it looks a lot like you.

That looks NOTHING like me! Since when have I been Hamburger Helper head!?! They’ve completely ruined my ravishing good looks. This looks like that thing Mindbender has strapped down in the basement. It lacks any of my awesome costumed tyranny.

Obviously the package artwork is not pleasing to the overlord of Cobra, but still the back of the package includes the standard dossier. They don’t really get in any spoilers, except to mention that his mask covers his face from a fiery accident.

Oh Pleassssse! The only fiery accident that face is going to be in when this movie bombs! Am I right? Right?!

Well I don’t know the early reviews seem to be pretty good. Even I’m thinking this movie might turn out to be better than originally anticipated.


Do you not feel as though this movie represents your rise to power?

If they really wanted to tell the Rise of Cobra story, it would be more like a cross between On Golden Pond and Deliverance!

Aren’t you even the least bit excited about the new movie?

I’m more excited about my new mind control spores!

Why is it sometimes you hold onto the s and talk like a snake and other times not?

Variety my boy. Sssspice of life! A dish best served cold!

Apparently Cobra Commander isn’t a fan.

The Rise of Cobra line has all the same great articulation that the previous Generation 3 or 25th Anniversary style figures had, with most figures actually having a little better range of movement. This figure of Cobra Commander can get into plenty of poses. You can see lining him up in front of his legions.

Or sending that imposssster to clean the ressstrooms!

Obviously you can pretty much get this guy into any pose.

POPPYCOCK! Can he get into my patented pirouette? What about the Cobra Ssssshuffle?! It’s those sort of details that exposed Fred.

Various Cobra Commanders.

I’ve seen better articulation on a CORPsssssss!

That’s just not true.

Your face issssn’t true!

Really, you want to talk about faces? Because if anybody’s face isn’t true…

AH! You win thissssss round nerd boy! But I’ll be back! And you won’t stop me next time! Thisss review will now self destruct!

Let’s just move onto the sculpt.

For starters obviously the biggest issue many fans have with this new figure and the new Cobra Commander in the movie is the drastically altered head sculpt. Although it’s certainly not at all what I’d consider a Cobra Commander face, it is an interesting sculpt.

Interessssting for me to POOP on!

Look, I don’t love the idea of changing your look around but we can’t really grade the figure on that. We have to grade it on how it looks.

It looks like melted Pop Tartsss! They didn’t change Destro around that much! It’s not fair. Why does Destro get everything!?

At this point, he’s pretty much having a fit.

Obviously there have been a lot of different Cobra Commander outfits through the years, but he’s typically depicted in one of two ways. In his hood or his reflective metal mask. Stephen Sommers apparently felt that the blue hood, which to many is the most iconic look of Cobra Commander resembled a KKK mast a bit too much.

WHAT!? I hate everyone equally… Although you’re movin’ up the list fatty! I have sssssso many good outfits to choose from! Like my 1994 version SSSSSSEVEN!

Cobra Commander Version 7

That was a pretty ridiculous outfit too, actually. Teal and purple? What were you thinking?

It was the nineties everyone was wearing neon! A ssssimpler time! If they didn’t want to do that, they could have ussssed my version four outfit! You could reveal my face!

Cobra Commander Version 4

That wasn’t a great outfit either. Seriously, what was up with that outfit?

You know what? I wasss going through some ssstuff man, a divorce, custody battle, you don’t even want to go there! But my face did not look like Meatwad! That’s for ssssure!

The rest of the outfit has some really detailed bone structure effect going on. It’s really pretty unique. I’m not sure if this is all supposed to be like robotics or not but it definitely creates a really interesting look. It looks nothing like anything Cobra Commander has ever worn before, but it does make for a cool looking figure. They seem to be channeling sort of a Darth Vader aspect to the character, wouldn’t you say?

More like, Darth Lamer! Darth Lamer, haha. Comedy GOLD!

The coat is removable and he actually doesn’t look too bad without it on. Early release pictures showed a slightly different colored coat and tubes running from his chest, but that isn’t the case here. Either there will be a variant down the line or they made some final changes to improve the sculpt.

But they couldn’t take the time to fix ol’ freak face Crunchberry Commander!? Pawtucket, Rhode Island is now the first place we’re releasing the sssspores!

All in all, I think the outfit is very cool. It may not be anything like the vintage character but it definitely makes for a new cool look. Just maybe not for Cobra Commander.

All in all it looksss like turdsss! My face is not a mass of raw hamburger meat hid behind a clear jockstrap! I made up that whole sssscared face bit because Golobulus insisted! They made me look worse than the corpssssse of Michael Jacksssson!

Come on, that’s a bit rough.

Too soon?! Nothing is too soon for Cobra Commander, AH HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA…Evil.

The Rise of Cobra toys have been coming with a ton of accessories and Cobra Commander actually comes with some really neat ones. Typically Cobra Commander comes with very few accessories. This one changes all that. For starters he has some sort of syringe thing that certainly looks quite menacing. Don’t you agree?

The only aassscessssories I need is cunning and devious.

He also comes with the patented “hair dryer” Cobra Commander gun. This has been a staple of Cobra Commander ever since his first release.

WHAT?! Give me that! You don’t get to carry that around preserves face! With a name like Smuckers, it’s gotta be Cobra!

Drunken head swap cosplay…

Also included is a large cobra, which actually has a pretty cool sculpt. This definitely makes for a neat little accessory that could go with any of your Cobra Commander figures, not just this one.

I ….wasssss oncccce …. a man… with dignity and resssspect. Now look at me… blogging with you.

Hey it’s an honor. Anyway, we round things out with a communicator thing, his giant missile launcher and the patented stand. I haven’t talked about the new stands very much, but needless to say it’s a neat little design that makes them look like dog tags. On the flip side it actually has an Arashikage logo on it.

Looks like dog tags? More like DOG TURDS! BURN! As of now, your little review is deader than disco! Hmmm… Deader than disco… I like that… I would have made a great stand-up comedian.

You don’t like any of these weapons?

The missile launcher, now that’s a weapon! I almosssst took over the world with oversized missile launchers in the early 1990’s.

I don’t think so.

Be quiet fatty!

I’m not even fat.

You will be! YOU ALL WILL BE! Once my Weight Dominator device takes effect!

Additional Notes:
I’m very torn on this figure. Clearly it’s a very cool figure. One of the most eye popping and appealing figures from this line. It’s the kind of figure that I know as a kid would have been one of my main play toys. However, as a Joe purist in many senses, I can’t in good faith call this guy Cobra Commander. Maybe I’ll use it as Billy. Billy spent the majority of the Marvel Comics run getting maimed and mangled, so this could be a version of him. I have to find a use for the figure because he’s very cool looking.

If by “cool” you mean a ridiculous urinal cake head that makes me look a Mortal Kombat entrant instead of anything resembling Cobra Commander. Then yeah, really cool! Seriously, what’s wrong with you guy? Is your favorite Joe, Sgt. Slaughter or sssssomething? That man has the constitutionality of a vending machine.

What have they done?

These figures range about $7.99

A-HA! Now it all makesss ssssenssse! Dollars and centssss! You see, Major Bludd was right. It’s all about the money! Hassssbro has fallen right into my evil plan. Overcharging for these figures! No one will pay that for Crunchberry Commander and thus my legacy will be secure from that Power Rangers villain whose infringing on my copyrighted name!

Well actually they are a pretty good value. Especially when you consider Target has them for $6.99 and Toys R Us has ran some incredible deals going as low as 2 for $10!


Score Recap:
Packaging – 8
Sculpting – 8
Articulation – 8
Accessories – Hair Dryer Gun, Syringe, Cobra, Communicator, Missile Launcher, Stand
Value – 8
Overall – 8 out of 10

Cobra Commander’s Score Recap:
Packaging – 1
Sculpting – -2
Articulation – 0
Accessories – Crap, Poop, Meaty Face, Swivel Arm Battle Suck, Identity Theft
Value – 0
Overall – ZERO out of 10

Well there you have it folks, an exclusive like none other. One of the most controversial figures both in real life and in plastic form. I have to admit that despite not liking the idea that they’ve changed Cobra Commander around so much, I do indeed like this figure. I’m going to find some way to work him into my collection, but probably as another character. Billy seems like the top choice for me.

Well there you have it humanoids, despite claiming to be a true fan this idiot has sucked the curdled milk right from Hasbro’s teat. As for this figure I’m going to find some way to work him into my toilet bowl, but probably after a night at Taco Bell. Another one of Arbco’s many great restaurants!

I just want to thank Cobra Commander for stopping by for his own review. I won’t be seeing the new GI Joe movie until this Sunday, but I have two more days of reviews coming at you. As always if you enjoyed this nonsense, click the DiGG button below.

I’ll dig you something alright, a GRAVE! Hahaha! You’re so witty Cobra Commander! That’s what they used to say at CarMax all the time.

What’s that?


5 Responses to Cobra Commander Reviews ROC Cobra Commander

  • DrNightmare says:

    It was a pleasure to see our Great Lord and Master crush the impostor! HAIL COBRA COMMANDER! THE REAL ONE!

  • Wes says:

    I… wasn’t a fan of that. Kind of made the review hard to follow, not to mention the difficulty of reading that shade of blue on the grey background. Plus, while I’m not all that familiar with the character (so you could have nailed him, for all I know), CC’s dialogue struck me as excessively juvenile. I ultimately ended up just skipping the banter and reading your text where you focused on the figure.

    You should definitely review that Cobra hood, though (and tell me where I can get my own). 😉

  • DrNightmare says:

    Don’t take this personally Wes, but CC would like to say “Hi” to you with this:

    *throws turnip at you*


  • @Wes: Well it really wasn’t supposed to be a genuine “review” so I’m okay with that. And if CC’s dialogue was juvenile, I feel I scored! lol, because that’s pretty much what I was shooting for. Inept, juvenile and full of angry nerd rage.

    But thanks for your honest opinion.

  • Anonymous says:

    I made that Cobra Commander mask. Not available in stores 🙂

    – Beth, the GF

Leave a Reply